What Is Going On With Frank Ocean's Livestream? Our 15 Best Theories So Far

Frank Ocean got us feeling existential. The now infamous adage, put forth by the wise and prophetic young Jay Z, "This can't be life" comes to our clouded and poor Frank Ocean's second album-less minds. Many theories as to why the album has yet to drop have abounded. Perhaps he has simply forsaken us? Maybe Christopher Francis Ocean born Christopher Edwin Breaux and known the world over as Frank Ocean is a figment of our collective imaginations? Most likely, we are just over thinking it. In any case, we got the team together and had countless meetings, contemplated deeply, we've solved complex mathematical equations, consulted astrophysicists, prayed, cried, laughed, loved, ate, lived, played Channel Orange backwards at exactly 87 BPM (1987 was the year Ocean was born) and compiled the 15 best theories as to what is going on with Frank Ocean, his alleged, and I stress alleged, album, and that carpentry over ambient music live-stream situation on his website.

1. Frank has gone fully Dexter. He is simply setting the stage for us to watch him dismember all the various record execs who tried to control his art on a table-saw, while new age music plays in the background.

2. Frank Ocean initiated the live-stream in an attempt to make Home Improvement viral, so he can have Tim Allen drop a guest verse on Boys Don't Cry.

3. Slight oscillations in the playback of the music suggest the room we see is vibrating…or moving. Wait—it’s actually inside the back of a giant container truck that is constantly driving West, chasing the international dateline so that it’s never quite midnight wherever Frank is. (Frank is driving the truck.)

4. Frank has been on a year long acid trip and he thinks he's Noah. He is building an ark to save all of us from the coming flood God is preparing in response to Trump supporters. A hard rain is going to fall.

5. Frank named a song “Voodoo”—a clear tribute to D’Angelo. This is the secret key alerting us that this is all just Act I of a 14-year (15-year?) hiatus designed specifically to break D’s record for most longest-anticipated album. Frank has already scheduled his comeback show in Stockholm, Sweden in 2028.

6. Frank Ocean is creating a race of Frick-n-Frack Oceans to take over the world, and he wants us to witness his diabolical scheme unfolding in real time.

7. Frank is using the saw in an attempt to cut right through the “Third Wall” and download his LP directly into our hearts. But he’s accidentally cutting through the 2nd wall. WE ARE OVER HERE FRANK CAN’T YOU SEE US

8. Frank Ocean is trapped in The Upside Down (Stranger Things fans know what we mean) and is building something to help him escape.

9. Frank is working with Awakenings neurobiologist Oliver Sacks to study the effect of music on the brain—this entire set up is part of an experiment designed to measure whether the intense anticipation of music will cause the music portion of our brains to light up. Yes, Apple Music has the technology to scan your brain every time you stream music.

10. Frank Ocean is creating his MOMA Exhibit "Boys Don't Cry," wherein he'll perform the album in its entirety in a wooden replica of his head, as orange tears descend from his face. Marina Abramovic will then dance in the tears.

11. Frank is building a staircase which leads out of the empty warehouse space...to another empty warehouse space.

12. Frank is forcing us to humanize him as well as to humanize ourselves. He’s de-mystifying the life of the artist. Art takes time. Creativity--and even passion--comes and goes. Frank Ocean does what he wants on his own time. It’s been four years since we got an album from him, and he doesn’t give a fuuuuuck. Frank’s 5-day (so far) Apple Music live-stream of him engaging in carpentry in a warehouse is gentle, intimate and forces patience on its viewers. We have no choice but to be patient, because Frank is not going to rush. We see him working on this carpentry craft patiently, graciously, slowly. He doesn’t overwork himself, he doesn’t force it. We keep checking his live-stream on our phones and laptops to see if there’s anything new for us to see. We want to be stimulated so bad! We want new music! What is Frank building!? What kind of shirt is he going to wear today!? Frank is forcing us to reevaluate our need for instant gratification.

He’s critiquing our fast-paced, productivity-driven lives. He’s telling us to calm the fuck down and let him live.

He’s working with machinery while simultaneously showing us that he is not a machine.

13. Frank is building out the studio in which he intends to ultimately record Boys Don’t Cry.

14. If you look at the website you will notice it says: (Blank) +  = ENDLESS. After conducting multiple complex mathematical equations to figure out the variable, we have come to the conclusion that (Blank) equals the live-stream. In laymen's terms the shit ain't never coming and the live-stream will continue for all eternity. After we are all dead and gone, all of our advances snuffed from the earth, humanity a distant blimp in history, the live-stream will continue, it will be the only proof that we, as humans, ever existed.

15. Frank Ocean is all of us: the wood, the carpenter, the live-stream...everything.

Anyways, if you still got it in you, and you got nothing better to do with your life, watch the live-stream here.