In Her Words: Tashera Simmons is Finally Finding Herself

On Therapy and Breaking Cycles

Tashera Simmons: The book was really based on just me getting a lot of therapy. Like 8 years of therapy and ripping down the layers and the band-aids of my childhood past. And you really don’t realize when you’re a grown adult and then you go through other traumas, how much of what we react to comes from childhood. It kind of messed me up, to be totally honest with you. And I guess I came to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore mentally.

Me and X did a show called Couples Therapy, and I didn’t even want to do it, but he was like, ‘Yo, you’re gonna make this amount of money and you should do it.’ And it was groundbreaking for me. It was what made me ask for a divorce. Up until then, I don’t think I would have gotten a divorce at all, no matter what he did.

Me and X did [sessions with life coach and therapist] Iyanla Vanzant with our son and they gave us free therapy. Six sessions with a therapist and she was amazing. And that's my therapist to this day. She was so good. I took a little gap after Couples Therapy and then after a few years I was like man, I need therapy — like that really helped me navigate life. I tracked her down and we've been in therapy ever since. As soon as I sat on her couch, she said, ‘Let's start from the beginning.’ And I was like, ‘What do you mean?’ She said, ‘Your childhood.’ I literally just broke down and cried…

It’s crazy how we can really walk around here as people just broken and don’t even realize it. And when I look back now, after like 8 years of therapy and really diving in with God, I was like, ‘Damn, I was so lost and broken.’

On Writing 'Dying To Self'

So that's what the book stems from. And I'm just vulnerable in the book. I named the chapters off of different incidents that I went through, but just giving a positive outlook on it all. Basically, trying to guide people. Life is hard. We're gonna go through a bunch of different things. But if we do it with God, it's just totally different. And I reference scriptures. I talk about being celibate for 10 years. And being a sex addict. I talk about that in my celibacy chapter. That's all I thought about. That was my comfort. I don't drink or smoke. I always say, X did that enough for both of us. So I never went that way. He had a high sex drive. I had a high sex drive. I didn't really know any different because he was the only person I was with. But then after we broke up that's all I was looking for in relationships. I did not even care. And I wasn't even out there like that.

I'm moving towards the light even though it hurts like it's blinding. And I have to be vulnerable in it and I have to talk about uncomfortable things.

Somebody said to me, ‘What you put up there in that book, you got to think about it, you know?’ And I said, “It's all the truth. I made sure that I didn't dog Earl out, because I never want to do that. Please don't judge him because he's just a person like me. He's just a broken person, made messed up choices like we all do. It’s just really about these temporary souls that's passing through. And I'm trying to be vulnerable, to help someone else because we ain't gonna be here forever. And I just feel like God's called me to do that.

When I tell you, it is so consuming. His legacy, it’s almost like — like I say to my kids all the time, I’m like, ‘Damn, this is why your father was done with life.’ Because this is a lot. He was carrying a lot.

On Motherhood and Healing Generational Trauma

I realized I never set any boundaries. It was just. And I'm like, where did that come from? And then I had to dig back into my past and I was just like, ‘Oh, yes. I never had any structure.’ I was already broken. My mom left me when I was a little girl, [at] 14. I don't know. I'm just doing life. I just fell in love and making up my own rules and not even having anything to really stand on. And no blueprint from women for me. It was just like, ‘I need to get some therapy.’

I broke a generational curse because I was abandoned. My mom was abandoned, my father was abandoned, Earl was abandoned. And I felt like Earl abandoned us. He walked out. ‘You don’t want to deal with my shit? Then I’m gone.’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, go. Bye.’ Because I’m not dealing with this shit. And yeah, I could have walked out on my kids, and I said, ‘No.’ I stopped it. My kids have all gotten therapy at young ages. They’re very healthy in their minds. They don’t cheat on their girlfriends. They’ve seen how it tears families apart.

On Faith and Moving Forward

Everything happens for a reason. I talk about that in my book because I'm really trying to have people get a perspective of even the ugliest things in life could turn into your biggest blessing.But it’s like we gotta die to ourselves to see that. And that’s why I call it Dying to Self. Because trust me, I’ve been on the floor many nights crying because I just don’t know what to do. But then after the fact, I’m like, ‘Wait a minute. This is like a rebirth.’ I’m shedding all these tears and it’s hurt and it’s pain, but it’s like, ‘God, you have something for me on this other side.’ And I started to see that. But it’s like I had to die to myself. Like literally.