"I Can Breathe": Big Ghost's 14 FOH-est Moments of 2014
Iggy Azalea
Ayo whattup...ya boy Big Ghost AKA Phantom Raviolis aka the grand imperial Cocaine Biceps aka Galaxy Knuckles the great aka the mighty Thor Molecules aka the world famous Acrobatic Chromosomes aka the mighty Hands of Zeus is back up in this chateau one more time namsayin. It feels good to reconnect wit my okayplayer peoples. Sorry I been away so long. Im sure yall literate muthafuckas missed the god. But yo its that time of year again where we round up the most fuckouttahere moments of the last 12 months n reflect on all the evidence that proves jus how close Armageddon actually is n shit. It was hard to narrow the shit down to jus 14 moments n whatever but somehow someway that shit worked out... Before we begin tho yall should read the disclaimer below:
The views n what have you in this muthafucka is all my owns…so that aint in no way a reflection of nobody other than myself n whatever else b. No other man or woman or child represented heretofore n such hereby is sharin the opinion of the gentleman who be sayin the shit contained within namsayin. This muthafucka do be containin foul language n shit that might offend small children n old people n shit too. It should be noted by all those who is present today here today before God that yall here on ya own accord n if anybody not cool wit that they should leave now or forever hold they peace…
Word okay. Let's get into it...
Macklemore text to Kendrick Lamar
14. Macklemore Wins Kendrick's Grammy...n Apologizes - Contrary to what a lot of yall might think...the fuckeriest of all the fuckery that took place at this years Grammys wasnt even that Macklemore won Best Rap Album (Im sayin if Nas, Biggie, A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, Gang Starr, Dr Dre, Snoop, Scarface, The Roots, Mos Def, Talib Kweli etc cant win that shit after however many years you cant exactly expect any miracles for Mr. Duckworth on his first try nahmean...not when a caucasoid muthafucka done dropped his pretty damn successful album the same year n got it poppin at the top of the charts wit back to back catchy jingles like that yo). The Grammys been treatin incredibly talented black artists not named Kanye who aint members of Outkast in this category like some red headed step kids for years now b (NO SHOTS MACKLEMORE). The worst part wasnt even that Macklemore "apologized" to Kendrick for winning that shit (that white guilt is a muthafucka yo). The WORST part was actually that Ben screenshotted his apology text n threw that shit on Instagram for the world to see namsayin.
Now I got all types of respect for duke...n 2013 was definitely a big year for him...but if you gon apologize for the privileges that come wit being a white artist prospering divinely off of a black genre of music that happens to also be the most lucrative element of the most profitable n influential culture since Ike Turner, Bo Diddley, Chuck Berry, n Little Richard gave the world Rock n Roll...you need to be sincere bout that shit n jus keep that between yall instead of tryna wash away the guilt in front of the masses while still enjoyin the spoils of that victory bruh. Dig what Im sayin yo... This white bandleader named Benny Goodman was one of the first muthafuckas to bring Jazz (another genre pioneered by the black man) to the masses n had all types of melanin in his band namsayin (which wasnt exactly easy or that common in the 1930s)... But son was aware that the system wasnt treatin the originators of that shit right n homie said NAH FUCK YALL when it came time to tour any Southern States for havin bullshit ass Jim Crow laws. See now THATS a sincere statement b.
Pharrell Hat
13. The Pharrell Hat - Man...jus when you thought shit was only a phase...homie actually wore the Arby's logo on his head for the whole entire year. Ionno what types of bets this man been losin but whatever the story is he still here nahmean. Skateboard P is actually more dominant n culturally influential right damn now than he ever been. Thats pretty amazin when you think how long homie been on his grind yo... After killin 2013 wit "Blurred Lines" n "Get Lucky" P dropped "Happy" (n made you wanna dropkick kids n old people) at the end of the year n let that shit bleed all the way into summer of THIS year n simultaneously had the biggest solo hit of his career while rockin the biggest hat in the industry. Not sure if there was already a record for that somewhere in the Guinness book but if there was Pharrell done shattered it. But the hat? Yea that shit gotta get the fuck outta here...
Kylie Jenner and Tyga Tweet
12. Tyga Wifed Up A Teenager - Allow me to shed some perspective on this shit yo...to enlighten those of yall who have yet to fully digest this fuckery. Jaden Smith's ex girl Kylie Jenner (aka the youngest of the lovely archetypes of female dignity spawned by the spacious womb of Kris Jenner) was born August 10, 1997...3 years before Y2K...during the jiggy era of rap. Biggie n Pac had already passed away...George W was the president...Friends was the most popular show on caucasian tv. Now if you do the math...that means this chick that Tyga been scissoring wit all this time was still 16 jussa few months ago bruh. Dependin on whether you a glass half empty or glass half full type of individual n whether you choose to round shit up or down...she either "almost 18" or she "barely 17" to you. BUT...either way they probably gon stick to the "only friends" story cuz Tyga Polanski aint tryna catch no statutory rape charges jus to become a Kardashian namsayin.
Kylie Jenner and Tyga
11. Tyga's Teenage Soul Mate Wants to Rap - Wish I could tell yall that thats all the fuckery that there is to the Tygardashian story... But nah...turns out young Kylie wants to be a "rapper" like her serial pedophile companion now...n she wants her bae Ty "15's the new 25" ga to make that shit happen for her. Now lemme break it down so we understand this shit correctly Kylie...ya brother-in-law is Kanye West (aka the single most influential artist in hip hop n maybe even music/pop culture in general that the world has seen this whole decade) but you want Tyga (aka the colostomy bag of creativity itself) to help you become a successful rap artist? Thats like sayin you wanna infiltrate the US Department of Homeland Security n you got every level of clearance at ya fingertips...but you jus gon update ya operating system to Windows 98 n see how that shit gon pan out instead...
Christian Bale as Moses
10. The Ancient Egyptians n Pretty Much Everybody Else in the Bible Was White - Hollywood been doin this shit for decades now b. Cleopatra was played by Liz Taylor...Charlton Heston was one of the most famous Moseses...Ion eem kno how many white dudes played Jesus (But not Jared Leto somehow)...n last year we found out even Noah was white. But you would think that in a age where muthafuckas is a lot more socially aware n historical accuracy is actually appreciated n whatever that they might wanna try n come correct wit the latest movie about the book of Exodus. Instead what we get is a full cast of caucasoids again witta couple ethnic muthafuckas sprinkled in mostly as slaves n shit like that. I boycotted this shit. I aint try to make a statement outta that shit I jus refused to give these Hollywood oppressors any of my bread. I might gon Popcorn Time that shit some other day...but for now fuckouttahere wit all that shit.
Puffy Punches Drake in the Face
9. Drake Lettin Puffy Punch Him In The Face Repeatedly - Im sure this aint the first time Aubrey got the hands courtesy of a cat who aint exactly known for catchin fades left n right...but this shit was damn near poetic yo. Soon as I heard Drizzy got smacked up by Puff I hadda let the crying emoji chopper sing bruh. That was a moment of weakness namsayin... I mean I aint een kno my phone had emojis on it. I wish to God there was a video of this shit tho... I mean yall muthafuckas capture damn near every high school girls bathroom cat fight from Zaire to Siberia n have that shit on World Star 15 mins later but you tellin me not one individual pulled they phone out fast enough to commemorate the fade of the decade? Nobody captured the vision of Aubrey gettin stole on by the man in the picture below all boo'd up wit the n***a he hit in the head witta champagne bottle back in '99? Im so appalled...Spalding ball...
Azealia Banks Twitter
8. What's Beef....Again? - Rap beef in 2014 was summa the wackest shit ever b. See muthafuckas use to battle on stage n on records...then the shit turned into muthafuckas dyin from makin diss records...then it went back to diss records n nobody gettin killed...n now muthafuckas jus tweet. There was some dope moments tho (Q-Tip droppin jewels for Iggy Azalea via twitter) n some shit that got squashed the same day (Freddie Gibbs callin Lupe a "bitch ass n***a" for rockin a KKK gown... Lupe sayin he "never been a bitch n***a"... Freddie sayin OK YOU NOT A BITCH N***A THEN... Lupe sayin some shit bout "6 wings with the mild sauce" n the whole thing was basically a wrap after that)... But I aint gon get too deep into all that shit. This is a list of summa the winners n losers tho...
Drizzy Drake vs Tizzy Tyga (Winner: Who the fuck cares) - Drake seems like he got the upper hand on this one but he got embroiled in some tofu wit corny ass Tyga n his best response was throwin a pic of Kylie Jenner chillin in the background of one of his IG posts... OooOoooOoooo slow down son you killin em.
Tyga vs Lil Durk (Winner: Durk) ...cuz fuck Tyga
Lil Durk vs Tyga's bodyguard Game (Winner: Draw) - Game a cornball but nobody lost this shit since they squashed it before anything close to exciting could happen.
Eminem vs Iggy (Winner: Iggy) - Marshall gotta stop goin after easy targets yo.... Igloo won that shit jus off the strength that she was able to spin that shit into a "violence against women in hip hop" issue n people actually ate the shit up.
Snoop vs Iggy (Winner: Iggy) - T.I. threw on his cape n got the Doggfather to apologize in a video after Snoop had posted some disrespectful memes of her. Damn...damn...damn...damn...
Iggy vs Q-Tip vs T.I. kinda... (Winner: Q-Tip) - This shit wasnt actually meant to be disrespectful on Q-Tip's part. Tip (Q...not T.I.) was jus breakin down the history of the culture for ol girl n she took offense n called the shit "patronizing". Then the other Tip (T.I.) stepped in wit his vast jailhouse vocabulary n advised Iggy to peep the factual jewez the other Tip was droppin on her.
Iggy vs Azealia Banks (Winner: Nah) - This shit was kinda a extension of the Q-Tip shit... Azealia n Iggy been at it for a minute now... Ion really care to recap too much of this particular squabble since I really dont give a fuck bout it.
Azealia vs Action Bronson (Winner: Action) - Azealia can drag a culture vulture Australian chickenhead witta identity crisis but she cant do that shit to the great Bronsolini.
Azealia vs T.I (Winner: Azealia) - Ok maybe she can also drag the co-conspirator of a culture vulture Australian chickenhead witta identity crisis.
T.I. vs His Thesaurus (Winner: Thesaurus) - Fam jus stop that shit.
YG vs Dijon "DJ Mustard" McFarlane (Winner: DJ Mustard) - Pretty sure Dijon gon be aight... YG needed him a lot more than Dijon needed YG.
Bobby Schmurda
7. Shmurda Was The Case - Shmh...So shmany reasons to shake ya head at Bobby Shmurda. He was gettin shmoney...so shmuch shmoney... But by the time Beyonce was doin his shmoney dance on stage the feds had already been watchin homie n his peoples on instagram for years. "Allegedly". Long story short...Bobby n his crew lookin at football numbers for gun possession, reckless endangerment, shmalicious shmischief, shmurder, attempted shmurder...amongst a lot of other shit. Son shmight not gon get the shmaximum sentence but he lookin at a shmandatory shminimum sentence of like 3 years. Thats plenty time for a "hot n***a" to cool down. Either way sons career was shorter than Fergie's "All of the Lights" verse...
Cam'ron Ebola Mask
6. Cam'ron Ebola Mask - Ask any rapper today what "selling out" is n they gon probably tell you thats some "old 90s n***a shit". Basically the "sellout" done transmogrified into the "mogul" n rappers can get they money however the fuck they wanna now. After Hov's former heir/sole beneficiary Memphis Bleek hadda resort to doin a Garnier Fructis commercial to keep the lights on in his crib all that sellout shit was erased from the consciousnesses of every rap n***a in the galaxy basically. But Killa a Harlem cat...so that hustle flow thru his veins whether he want it to or not...n when Ebola made a comeback n started killin thousands of Africans again n had began spreadin all over the world...son probably thought back to how those SARS masks was really poppin in '03. SOMEBODY was bound to get that Ebola paper...might as well be him right? For jus $19.99 you could kill two birds wit one stone by not contractin Ebola WHILE ALSO rockin a fashionable overpriced surgical mask that got Cam's face on it. Only thing is Ebola aint a airborne virus soooo... (shrug emoji)
Lil Wayne Carter V
5. The Lil Wayne n the Carter 5 Fiasco - Never thought Id feel bad for Weezy F Baby...but homie jus aint flourishin the way he was before. This man been had more false release dates than a planet of Jay Electronica clones b. That shit probably got to be too much for young Dwayne n eventually son started airin out Slim n Baby n the rest of the Ca$h Money staff on twitter n callin hisself a prisoner n admitted that maybe his deal wasnt really the greatest deal in the game after all. Or like Pusha-T said on Exodus 23:1...
"Contract all fucked upGuess that means you all fucked up
You signed to one that signed to another n***a
thats signed to three n***s...now thats bad luck"
Lil Wayne Tweet
Lil Wayne Pusha T Tweet
Waka Flocka J Cole
4. Waka Flocka Outrappin J Cole Over His Own Beat - Lotta muthafuckas felt as tho Jermaine had one of the verses of the year on a joint called "Fire Squad" which also happened to be the most (if not the only) grimy ass beat on Cole's 2014 Forest Hills Drive. Cole spit what might be considered the crack phone screen/McLobster version of what Kendrick did on the "Control" joint last year on that shit. The verse (3rd one) was coo...but Flockaveli delivery n the way he sounded over the beat (n the fact that it was Flocka spittin a stoopid verse on the track in the first place) made him the clear winner in my eyes yo. Cole cooked up the vintage 90s boom bap track n Flocka dumbed out on it like a vintage 90s rapper. Ridiculous.
Wiz Khalifa
3. Wiz Khalifa Pictures - This muthafucka needs somebody to help him stay the fuck away from any devices that can capture his image n preserve em in the annals of social media forever... Shit gotta stop already... Rock all the Madonna circa Like A Virgin outfits you wanna bruh...dye ya hair whatever the fuck color you wanna...be the worst positive male role model for ya son you can be...thats ya business. But soon as you throw that shit up on instagram or twitter or facebook or muthafuckin pinterest or whatever...you invite the world to respond to that shit. My personal response is fuckouttahere tho...
Worse Year For Hip Hop
2. Worst Year For Hip Hop Ever - This aint bout a single moment or event or nothin...this is basically speakin on the fact that 2014...as far as milestones or releases or jus anything that would make it a dope year for the culture was pretty muthafuckin wack. The fact that J Cole's 2014 Forest Hills Drive is the highest sellin rap album of the year n that shit still aint een go gold yet tells you ey'thing you need to kno bout the impact 2014 had on us bruh. When its all said n done tho...n the history of the earth n all the creatures of the planet done come to its end...n the gods open up the books on mankind n look under RAP MUSIC n see all the important landmarks that came to be throughout the 80s, 90s, 00s...n they come to 2014 n see the Iggys n the Shmurdas n the Young Thugs n the Rich Homie Quans n all the bullshit fast food rap yall done let flourish while ignoring the fuck outta the dope shit that slid past a whole lot of yall this year...they not gon be too impressed nahmean. Truth be told there was a lof of dope hip hop out this year. Jus wasnt enough support for the right artists n what we got left wit was some abysmal shit bruh.
1. White Cops (Still) Killin Unarmed Black People - Again...not bout a single moment or a single event. I actually wanted to keep this shit bout music n whatever n not get into anything too heavy namsayin. But this shit is hard to ignore. Theres a lot of useful n positive shit thats already been said over the last year by people of all races n walks of life in regards to this issue...so I aint tryna swoop in n act like Im the BEST voice to spread the awareness right now. Truth be told tho...the fact that this shit is gettin more attention in the news than it ever has (thanks mainly to the power of social media n the almighty hashtag) is the one good thing that comes from any of it. But the fact that today or tomorrow or the next day another armed or unarmed black person WILL probably get gunned down or choked out or beaten or raped or robbed or humiliated by a white person in a uniform who swore to protect the lives n civil liberties of ALL citizens makes it a problem still. Yea its some more fucked up things happenin in the world... Like why do we keep losin airplanes? Diseases...kids starving...dictatorships...n whatever... But this issue been gettin swept under the rug for long enough yo. And these law enforcement muthafuckas almost never pay a price for the lives they take. For that alone the biggest fuckouttahere of 2014 is goin out to anybody witta badge who fails to uphold the oath they took before they accepted the job that gave em the power to draw a weapon on a citizen or anybody who condones the actions of the individuals who use that power recklessly or anybody who wears the "I CAN Breathe" t-shirt or applauds the actions of a murderer in uniform or criticizes another white person for embracing the #BlackLivesMatter movement. It also goes out to any muthafucka who tries to capitalize off of it or use it as a springboard for they own personal benefit/agendas...whether it be political or financial or for some bum ass Facebook n Instagram likes n Twitter retweets.
Anyways there you have it yall. Hopefully 2015 can make up for this bullshit ass year.
Aight peace.
