Girl sets her ass on fire in bizarre twerking incident
UPDATE:You already knew but just to officially clarify, we (and the rest of the world) got successfully trolled by Jimmy Kimmel, who, it turns out, produced the infamous 'worst twerking fail ever' viral video with the help of a professional. I had to admit I had my suspicions about the way the yoga pants catching fire moment happens, first seen via some very dramatic lighting from off-camera. Kimmel's shots at the News organizations who posted the video is sort of like the makers of the fake Megaladon shark documentary looking down on people who believed it but whatever, nobody's really mad. It got 9 million views as unintentional comedy and it's still funny as intentional comedy, for my $$. Unfortunately, the Ghetto Tracker site is no joke and the Florida police can still apparently electrocute you with a taser. Latest reports indicate that Puffy is still at the site of Burning Man, pacing in the desert and plotting his next move against Dr. Dre in their behind-the-scenes chessgame for total world domination.
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It's been one of those weeks, a week when things seemed Not Okay. It's not just that the world is full of gratuitous twerking, tasers, racial profiling, Sean "Puffy" Combs--it's that this week those things went rabbitfuck, showing up at Burning Man with a fucshia parasol, multiplying and reaching potentially lethal (and in some cases, actually lethal) levels. Let's go case by Not Okay case:
1. Girl Sets Her Ass On Fire In Bizarre Twerking Incident.
True story. Watch below:
Oh, Miley Cyrus. You see what you did, now? Kids ARE trying this at home, twerking without adult supervision, no prior experience and without any protective padding or flame-retardent draws. To paraphrase Jay Z, this really is an old world's worst nightmare, so #NewRules! When twerking for the youtubes please observe the following precautions: 1) Put a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door or hang up the approved 'have a date' signal for your roommates. 2) If you feel say yuh bad suh, go 'pon your headtop but PLEASE make use of a heavy speakerbox or stable, load-bearing wall that is fully up to local code. Do NOT go 'pon your headtop using a functioning door as your only support. 3) Turn off the stove and extinguish all candles before twerking commences, and/or 4) ASS-bestos.
2. People Being Tasered to Death by Florida Police.
Norman Oosterbroek, age 43--a bodyguard for Nelson Mandela, Jay Z, Rihanna and others--was tasered to death by Miami-Dade police earlier this week (as reported by Global Grind). Oosterbroek was found naked in his neighbor Christine Jung's house allegedly fighting with her husband and ingesting an unknown substance (Oosterbroek is known to have drug problems in the past) and was subdued with a taser when he "became combative with police officers...and violently refused arrest." He was transported to Baptist Hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival. The toxicology report has not come back yet but Miami-Dade police are blaming the fatality on the purported drugs in his system. Given Oosterbroek's reputation and conduct, this is not totally implausible and this incident would remain strictly in the area of the tragicomic if this was not the SECOND fatality caused by taser-wielding Miami police in the past few weeks. Scarcely a month ago, graffiti artist Israel Hernandez-Llach died after being subdued with a taser by police when he and a friend were caught int he act of tagging a building. The officers in question purportedly joked and high-fived about the way the taser "made his butt clench" as Hernandez-Llach lay motionless on the ground, in full view of his friends. The question is whether we should wait for a 3rd death to eliminate the use of tasers as an "easy button" for the police. If Florida's application of Stand Your Ground laws effectively extended the dubious right of police to racially profile young black males to any random neighborhood watch vigilante, Florida's use of tasers are threatening to give effectively give police the right to hand out death sentences for misdemeanors, under the cover of 'non-lethal' force.
3. Ghetto-Tracker.
Yup. Florida again. Some fuckneck came up with brilliant idea of launching a site called Ghetto-Tracker, to allow users to warn visitors to a particular city about the safety or desirability of a particular part of town with their anonymous ratings. Apparently oblivious to the fact that he was basically enabling the racist (and classist) judgements of clueless white people like himself to go nanotech with potentially disastrous consequences for people, businesses and entire cities, the founder of the site (who describes himself as a 30-something male from Tallahassee--but prefers not to release his name) has professed shock at the online backlash and changed the name of the site to "Good Part Of Town"--but kept the intent and functionality the same. He also added some images of non-white people to the site. Some morbid part of me wants to see how this site deals with the complexities of real life--like would the Manhattan high-rise that proposed a separate entrance for low-income residents get a good or bad rating? What happens the first time a criminal uses info on the site to target unsuspecting tourists? Perhaps a more effective way to achieve this dude's assheaded goal would be to ask poor and/or black people to wear a homing device that beeps to warn yuppies to duck & cover when they are approaching. What. A. Fuckery.
4. P. Diddy at Burning Man.
Overheard on the ground: "I have photo evidence of the end of Burning Man as we know it..."
